The Three-Day-Wasp-War

They came on Thursday morning. Three of them, occupying the hallway, the chocolate room and the kitchen. My standard procedure in the case of a wasp infiltration is to hide until the wasp goes away or gets so sleepy that I can drop a container on it (see also: England Made Me).

This time, though, it was a problem. Three of them at once, none of them sleepy in the slightest, and all seeming quite angry with the world at large.

I did not shrink from my destiny. I knew what I had to do to restore order to this house.

I promptly barricaded myself into my bedroom, stopped all the gaps underneath the doors and prepared to wait them out.

I am 37 years old.

Friday morning came and went…but they weren’t leaving, and they weren’t dying. I escaped from the bedroom and went off to Home Depot to buy supplies. But while I found all sorts of sprays to destroy a wasps’ nest, I overlooked getting something that would work inside to kill them.

So I spent Friday night in my bedroom, slipping out at times to get drinks. To be fair, they were getting a little sleepier at this time, but still not exactly willing to be approached with containers for extraction.

By Saturday morning, it was getting silly. After being pointed to exactly the right to of spray to obtain, I made my third visit to Home Depot in three days, loaded myself up with Raid and came back to reclaim the house.

Two of the wasps fell easily, but the third had vanished. I looked around the kitchen in vain and then went on with my day.

Five hours later, I was emptying the dish washer and I caught it in the corner of my eye, wandering around the sink (as is traditional, I jumped about five miles in the air, and had I been holding a chicken leg, I would have caused some serious damage¹). Now, I couldn’t spray into the sink, and the wasp was happily sitting on something that made it impossible to drop a container down and prevent it from flying off.

There was only one thing to do. One terrible thing. I gently tilted the kitchen tap in its direction, switched it to full spray, and then turned the tap on full.

I drowned a wasp and sent it down the sink.

I’m not proud. But I have my kitchen back, after a fashion.

All this and Portugal won Euro 2016. A terrible week, all told.