But first. THE GOD OF CONTEXT. Or, "how you can vote for a bill, then vote against it when people tack on $20 million to build a lamppost in Baker, California."
Meanwhile, the thorough fact-checkers of Unfit for Command failed to notify several of the 300 Veterans that they had used their names in support of their book. They're happy about it. Honest.
Oh, and welcome to Pier 57. Razorwire pens, protestors held without charge, without access to lawyers, and some suffering chemical burns from the strange substance on the floor of the former Manhattan Transit Authority building. Well, if the campaign is going to relive Vietnam, revisiting 1968's Chicago is inevitable…
I'm not in the best frame of mind for this tonight, and rumours abound that the speakers will be going all out to attack Kerry. So expect heart-crushing and weary commentary.
By the way — two days in, and no-one's mentioned the guy who carried out the attacks on New York and Washington. A little curious.
Wow, did Microsoft just photocopy iTunes for their new music website, or what?
And now! Rick Santorum! Will he compare homosexuals to bestiality again? Ah, culture wars. Damn those rappers. Comparing them to the Great Depression is a bit much though. Strong marriages! Because THE GAY would cause them all to collapse, as every man and woman in America would be forced to marry someone of the same sex. Well, it must be true. Why else would they be so worried? Damn that Kerry standing up for the Constitution.
I must have missed the Karl Rove/Barney The Dog skits. Oh, because the Dean Scream didn't get old, like back in February. Yes, they are just as bad as you can imagine. Oh, the Kerry dog is a French Poodle. It's like the Bouncer episode of Neighbours. Only that was funny.
James Brown. I Feel Good. Someone tell the Texas delegates to stop dancing. It's just SCARY.
Bono on O'Reilly! He's going around telling America that it's great, apparently. Bill can't pronounce Geldof, and he's slagging off Live Aid. Muahaha.Unprotected sex is rife in Africa because they think it's "macho"? EH? Or perhaps it's the Catholic Church.
It's not our fault! It's Clinton's fault we had a recession!
KERRY WILL TAX THE AIR, THE SEA, AND THE SKY!
The woman speaking is rather annoying. But thankfully we're leaving Pennsylvania now.
The convention has just been ordered to get on its feet by a band called Third Day. *googles* Oh, a Christian rock band. I know it's highly judgemental, but I just can't take Christian Rock seriously. The oxymoron is too big for me to ignore. But! The RNC pulls out its first big gun! "You got the slightly-fey Reagan! OUR ONE IS ALL MAN, BABY!"
Chances of Iran-Contra turning up in this tribute? Oh, well, it was just a thought. Or perhaps his gutting of anti-trust laws? Or setting up the conditions for the S&L collapse? Or Nicaragua? AAAAAA THATCHER! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT! *pause to laugh at Mark Thatcher* Gorbachev, naturally, just sat on the sidelines while Reagan dismantled the Soviet Union WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
The big speakers should be up soon. Firstly, we're going to have the Lieutenant Governor and Governor of Massachusetts, presumably to bash Kerry's record as Senator. Then Senator Zell Miller (D) who will be selling out his party for a packet of Rolos and an option on Michael Owen. Finally, the Cheney double team. Fun fun fun.
Today's fun fact! Kerry voted to increase taxes 126 times. You'll hear it many times. Hmm, I seem to remember that being a Conservative tactic in past elections over here. It's worked like a charm. Assuming that they wanted eight years of Labour rule. Yawn, 'activist judges' yet again. Oh, a Heinz joke. "we don't want a President who comes in 57 varieties" Now, supposedly, there was a rumour that Romney's speech would drop a bombshell. HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. Surely they have to give up their claims for 'fiscal conservatism' by now, after creating a deficit so large its gravity affects the tides. But no bombshell.
Like the devil, the Democrats have the best tunes (I'll gloss over the PMRC). Soul Man. With all the life sucked out through a straw.
So, what does the Democrat have to say? Ah, Kerry has no backbone. He's jumped because "my family is more important than my party." Oh, so the Democrats shouldn't make national security a partisan issue. Well, let's be fair. Tom Ridge started it. THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE DEMOCRATS! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO OPPOSE THE REPUBLICANS! IT'S HOW A PARTY SYSTEM WORKS, DIMWIT! Oh, and Americans freed Europe all. by. themselves. Naturally. Next up, reporters, artists, and dissenters are worthless compared to a soldier. And now a list of military hardware that Kerry opposed. He's working the crowd quite well, depressingly. "Kerry would let Paris decide when to use force." And Bush has a "spine of tempered steel" GO WEAPON BUSH! BESERKER RAGE!
I will send someone a crisp £10 to the first prime-time speaker that doesn't mention 9/11. Lynne. It's getting beyond a joke now.
THE MAIN EVENT! I don't know what it is; Cheney is like a genetically engineered version of a Republican. All compassion selected and removed at the basic DNA level, leaving only a core of pure, well, evil (yeah, yeah, he's not really evil. But to look at him, he'd crush you underfoot without a second thought). This is definitely the second most depressing thing of the not. Wait - people are being bundled down in front? What's that about? The Taliban have been driven from power! Or Kabul. But don't worry! almost eleven million people have registered to vote. Sure, only nine million are eligible to register, but hey, we're skipping to Tamany Hall-era democracy.
Meanwhile, on NBC, John McCain on Miller:
I just don't agree that Democrats are unpatriotic.... I believe John Kerry is qualified to be commander-in-chief.
Oh, and no, Cheney hasn't mentioned bin Laden either. Now we're getting into Kerry-bashing, along with UN bashing on the side. Hurrah! Oh, for God's sake, even Bush talked about sensitivity! It's pretty much the usual — Kerry's a wuss who would ask France for permission to go to war, and so on. I really hope that SOMEONE, SOMEONE from the opposition will explain how a bill can voted for, and against. And…no…I've just had too much. See you tomorrow for the finale.