Round 2: The Legion of Substitute Heroes!

Oct 5, 2004 · 6 minute read

You know, if Kerry manages to pull this off, then there’s going to be celebrations all over the world; it’ll be like the end of a sci-fi movie when the world has been saved: flash-cuts to Egyptians staring out over the pyramids, Japanese going nuts in Tokyo, the British having a well-earned cup of tea, and, on the forest moon of Endor, the Ewoks strike up a tribal dance, to the chant of “JUST LIKE YOUR DADDY!”

Or perhaps that's just me.

Incidentally, watching the Conservative conference today — Michael Howard talking about how his patty is the one of personal responsibility and then in the next breath promising to castrate or repeal the Human Rights Act reminds me once again why they can't be allowed near Government; Labour might have a bad record on civil liberties, but it was the Tories who brought in the Prevention of Terrorism Act and the Criminal Justice Act in the first place. And dear God, I do not want to know about Nicolas Soames' first kiss. There are some things the human mind is not meant to contemplate.

Tonight, then, John Edwards will be showing his cheeks off to the America public, while Dick Cheney will try and keep the human mask on, lest the people see the horror of the four-dimensional entity of evil that lies beneath.

Meanwhile! Florida continues to use its interesting interpretation of 'equal protection'! Defending every one of those precious 537 votes…

For many, this will probably be the first time they've seen John Edwards since the Democrat Convention. Their strategy so far seems to have been to sent him off to lots of small towns and cities, drawing decent-sized crowds, but keeping him off television for the most part. Dick Cheney hasn't been so quiet, often popping up to say that if Kerry wins, the terrorists will celebrate and attack America for the next four years whilst he gets his nails clipped. Oh, and of course, banging on about that link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. Not that Mr. Rumsfeld got the message, yesterday stating there was no hard evidence of such a link, and today saying there was a link.. They have a word for that, you know…

Tonight, I've decided to switch news networks, plumping for BBC News 24. They're currently demolishing the Al-Qaeda—Iraq link; apparently a new CIA report casts serious doubt as to whether Saddam Hussein even knew that Zarqawi was in the country, let alone giving him support. Hey! Tony Blair is in the Sudan. I didn't know he was going.

Yes, I do love gorillas but it's society's crime not ours.

Ah, Grant, don't ever change. Sorry, I got distracted.

Anyway, onto the debate itself. It's a sit-down affair, because apparently Cheney likes to sit down and refused to do the debate otherwise. And here they go!

They're…they're writing on pads in silence. Perhaps the BBC went to the feed early.

Same rules as the last debate. Bah. First question to Cheney. Funnily enough, about the recent slips by Rumsfeld and Bremner. Edwards comes back with "you still aren't telling the truth". Not very exciting yet, although Edwards did use the time shift to his advantage. It's a bit like playing Chaos; if you get the order right, you can make a good final point.

Cheney now says that he never linked 9/11 and Iraq. It is to laugh. Cheney is now banging on about Kerry's "global test" slip last week. Afghanistan! It's safe! Honest!

Heh. Edwards brings up Kerry's Vietnam service. Got to stay on message.

Banging on the "global test". Oh, and apparently, the Iraqi security forces make up for 50% of the casualty totals so far, so it's not 90% American casualties. Go Dick!

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm not questioning his patriotism. But honestly guys, be afraid...

Hmm, Edwards doesn't seem to be getting his point across. He should have tied the no-bid directly to the Bill that they didn't vote for.

Cheney, sadly to say, is winning so far. Getting Edwards on the ropes by suggesting he's demeaning the Iraqi effort.

"We're dealing with Iran differently than Iraq" — because they have an army. Oh, and nuclear weapons. OOPS.

OOOH. Haliburton! Sweet! Cheney tries to weasel out of it. Accusing Edwards of not turning up to the Senate. Wait, so, if the reason why there's fewer suicide attacks because Saddam Hussein is gone, does that mean that the Wall isn't necessary.

Edwards hits back on Cheney's record.

Now onto domestic issues. Edwards is hitting hard on the job issue. Cheney talks around the subject, talking about education and tax rather than actual employment. OH AND THE CHENEY SMIRK!

John, you're going to run over. But you didn't, and sounded pretty good actually. Cheney claims that small businesses will be hurt by the upper tax rises. And Edwards doesn't respond to that point. That's a mistake.

Oh joy. Gay marriage. Well, I suppose the Kerry/Edwards position is sufficiently draconian enough not to offend Middle America (one of my problems with the Kerry ticket, but I know it'd be suicide to go all the way. makes me sad, but I understand). Ah, ACTIVIST JUDGES! This bit is actually quite depressing. "We don't support a Constitutional Amendment, but we still think gay marriage is icky".

Trial lawyers now. This should be interesting, as Edwards has a history with medical lawsuits. Edwards does well, but Cheney responds by suggesting that Edwards avoided paying Medicare taxes. Heh. More Haliburton tax-dodging claims.

I apologise that this entry isn't all that interesting. There was a comedy moment earlier on, when Cheney brought up El Salvador as a shining beacon of human rights. Yeah, I don't get out much, I know. There's no spark to this debate at all. Which is a shame, as everybody thought it was going to be a highly-charged evening. Instead, Edwards is blustering, nervous, and making mistakes all over the place. Cheney still comes across as Evil Incarnate, but Evil That Knows What He's Talking About As Opposed To The Young Guy Across The Table.

I do love how Iraqi lives are being traded for American ones, and that's supposed to be a good thing. Oh, and how the PATRIOT Act is brought up as an instance of bi-partisanality, when the act was printed during the middle of the night and passed without giving anybody any time to READ the whole thing…

Also, the moderator has been awful tonight. She keeps on getting the order mixed up, thus giving both men more response time than they should have.

Closing time. you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.I know who I want to take me home. Oh, right. The debate. Well, Edwards is talking about being the son of a miller and voting against "more of the same"; Cheney going for the fear factor, aha — if you vote for Kerry, you deserve to die!

I'm all depressed now. Going to bed and hoping Friday's debate is a little better for the Kerry team.