This is mainly a warning to all those currently residing in the Colonies, but if you are travelling abroad, it could be a vital piece of information. Consider this photograph:

Yes, it looks like a bottle of HP Sauce. But there’s something odd about it. The layout is wrong, the label is the wrong shade of blue, and it is labelled ‘Steak Sauce’ in an attempt to gesture that it may be used as a substitute to a product on these shores known as A1.

You may ask yourself: well, it’s still HP Sauce, isn’t it? What could possibly go wrong?

Dear Reader, I once thought the same as you, standing in the middle of a supermarket, mourning the lack of dark chocolate digestive biscuits. And I thought, ‘it has just been relabelled, surely.’ It went into my basket, and then into the fridge, until later that weekend it was pressed into service for a bacon sandwich. A typical task that HP Sauce excels at (there will be no digression into Daddies’ sauce here).

The first bite.

Instead of the sour taste of classic HP, I was hit with a sense of sweetness that made my teeth itch. The rest of the sandwich was consumed with increasing resentment as the cloying sugar taste spread across the bread and the pointless sacrifice of crisp bacon. I attempted to seal the accursed bottle up, but as the cap is half the height of the proper version and about a quarter of the weight, it ended up flying across the kitchen, leaving a trail of sweet brown ooze as it skipped along the tile.

Incensed, I looked at the ingredients, contrasting it with the empty UK bottle I was about to throw out:

UK: Tomatoes, Malt vinegar, molasses, high fructose corn syrup, spirit vinegar, sugar, dates, modified cornflour, rye flour, salt, spices, flavourings, tamarind.

US/Canada: White vinegar, high fructose corn syrup, tomato puree, molasses, dates, orange juice concentrate, spices, onion, tamarind concentrate, apple juice concentrate, garlic, ground chili peppers, caramel color (sic), mustard flour

Well, that explains things, doesn’t it.

To sum up: DO NOT TRUST THE COLONIALS. ONLY PURCHASE VERIFIABLY AUTHENTIC BROWN SAUCE.

Thank goodness for returning home next week so I can stock up on supplies. Including digestives.