But first: Channel 4's 100 Greatest series. I mean, really. Now, it's not a innovative format, but it could be good. Perhaps if they chucked out the 'annoying comedian of the moment' linking clips, beat the graphic scriptwriters over the head with a grammar guide explaining the difference between 'its' and 'it's', and dropped the sneery tone that all the talking heads seem to have ("Oh, it was crap, wasn't it? Mind you, I did spend every afternoon watching it" – there's no need to be ashamed of your childhood), it could be a fun programme. Say, chop the list of featured shows to 50, get rid of the Internet voting aspect, and actually talk about the programmes themselves instead of bringing up the Captain Pugwash myths yet again. In tonight's 100 Greatest Cartoons, there was some lovely moments, including seeing footage from David Jason's voice recording sessions on Danger Mouse, and what I think may have been the first broadcast on British television of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opening sequence. Yet, instead of attention being called to these things, it felt that they were just thrown in because Channel 4 could get the rights cheaply, and they'd extend the running of the show by a few minutes. In the end, it just becomes another couple of hours dedicated to laughing at the past. Which sucks.

(And no, I wasn't just annoyed that Transformers was dismissed in thirty seconds. The cartoon series wasn't all that good, at least in the writing, but it could have stood to have a little more discussion about say, that it was one of the first major toy-tie-in cartoons, that it still runs to this day in a modified form, and hell, considering the tone of the show, you would have thought that as the film features characters swearing, it would have been a easy choice to have a stand-up comedian saying "they SWORE? In a kid's film? WOW!")

Anyway! The Oscars 2005! The organisers have revealed themselves to be big Youssou Ndour and Neneh Cherry fans, as tonight's telecast is on a seven-second delay (I'm so sorry). The PTC has the FCC on speeddial, just waiting for Chris Rock to come on-stage, and celebrating that it may soon become cheaper to start a nuclear incident rather than show parts of the body on broadcast television. Yay progress!

To be honest, I'm not sure about tonight's ceremony. For a start, I haven't seen most of the nominated films, so I don't really know what I want to win (except for Best Animated Picture - if Shrek 2 beats The Incredibles, then there really is no justice in this universe). It'd be nice for Kate Winslet to pick up an award, but there's no chance of her doing so. The films that are going to win tonight are Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, and Ray. We know this because they won all the other awards, and the same people vote for the Oscars as the SAG awards. Plus, the changes to the format are irksome. It sounds nice to say that some people will not be given their Oscars on the stage to speed up proceedings, but what this means is that the winners of Best Make-Up, Set Design, and other backroom categories won't have their moment, because the organisers wouldn't dare to do the same for the Best Actor award, would they? And I liked those speeches by the winners of the smaller awards; they're always more personal than the winners of the big categories. So boo to that.

(And what's the deal with having Beyonce sing three of the nominated songs? Why can't Minnie Driver sing her song? It just doesn't make sense)

And every year, I forget that there's the annoying "Countdown" bit beforehand. Look! people walking inside! How exciting!

And already, I miss the BBC. Adverts are also quite annoying.

I think I can hear the PTC dialling already. But indeed, the "imagine you work at the Gap, and your till is $90 trillion short" routine was funny.

Best Art Direction! And the first change - all the nominees are on stage. What happens to the losers? Oh they just get to clap while the winners get their Oscar. The losers have disappeared. Dropped through a trap door, I guess.

Okay, starting here: The Give Renee Zellweger A Chip Foundation! Because she looks terrible. Empire Records, dear! You looked absolutely fine before - and scary with losing all that weight. And, as predicted, the Supporting Actor award is in the old format, because you can't mess with the stars, can you?

Eh? Why were they playing the Star Trek theme when heading out to a break?

Robin Williams thinks he's hosting. But no worries, because The Incredibles won Best Animated Feature! Aww, Brad looks very awkward. But sweet.

Best Make-Up! Cate Blanchett is at the back of the hall, where all the nominees are sitting together, and the winners get to go to a small microphone to deliver their speech, because they're not good enough for the stage (Lemony Snicket won by the way).

Beyonce's first song of the evening is in French. And would probably sound better if the original singer was doing it…

Okay, that may be the funniest Oscar segment in a long time

Scarlett Johansson: This year's Science/Tech awards, or "We send a beautiful girl to mock the geeks" Party.

Edna Mode! EDNA MODE! EDNA MODE!

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett.

Oh, and Best Documentary: Fahrenheit 9/11 was ineligible because it was shown on TV during 2004. No clips from the documentaries this time, just the winner: Born Into Brothels (hurrah! As Super-Size Me irritates me a lot: surely it's not rocket science to think that eating junk food exclusively for a month is incredibly bad?)

Mmm, Kirsten Dunst…oh, and The Aviator wins Best Editing.

THE SINGER OF THE COUNTING CROWS HAS A HUGE SPIDER ON HIS HEAD! SOMEBODY TELL HIM! BEFORE IT CONSUMES HIS BODY!

it's always fun when they let drunk actors in for the British bits…

Best Adapted screenplay! Sideways get its consolation prize for being popular with the critics.

Best Visual Effects, and boy does Zhang Zyi look uncomfortable up there. Spidey 2!

Having people dedicate shows to "The Troops" is odd. You wouldn't get Stephen Fry giving a shout-out to the British Army during the BAFTA telecast, would you?

Al Pacino looks like he's spent the past week living on the street. Giving Sidney Lumet the Lifetime Oscar. Pauline Kael is rolling in her grave. Morgan Freeman is not going to let go of his Oscar. For Anyone. (and hey, Kael may have hated him, but I like Serpico and Network!)

Oh, how much money would we give to have Jay-Z be behind the Phantom mask?

"Comedy Superstar Jeremy Irons!"

Best short: Wasp. PTC reaching for that speed dial. If they understand British…

Best Animated Short: Ryan

Best Cinematography (presented by the lovely Kate Winslet): The Aviator, meaning that Passion of The Christ isn't getting anything tonight.

It's a good thing that nobody actually watches the inbetween bits. So far, nasty works about the Daily Mail, and a very drunk Will from Will and Grace.

Best Sound Mixing: Ray

Best Sound Editing: The Incredibles!

Best Documentary Short (Natalie Portman's dress is ugly): Mighty Times: The Children's March

I guess Rock isn't too enamoured with the changes either. Anyway: Best! Original! Score! Finding Neverland!

Martin Scoresce gets to hold an Oscar. "Yes, Marty, you can hold it. BUT YOU'RE NEVER GETTING ONE!"

Josh from the West Wing ducks. Yo-Yo Ma plays the Death List.

Puffy? What's he doing there? Please, no more Beyonce. Please.

Prince is going to speak! Prince! Prince! Although it seems he doesn't really want to do it…Best Song: The Motorcycle Diaries! Someone tell Collin!

Sean Penn has a sense of humour failure live on stage. It. Was. A. Joke. Annnnd best actress goes to: Hilary Swank. Boooooo. I expect a reissue of The Next Karate Kid soon, people.

Incidentally, where did they find the woman Oscar presenters for tonight? They appear to be seven feet tall!

SNIPPETY-SNAP, Rock!

Best Foreign Picture: The Sea Inside

Best Original Screenplay: Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind! Yay! Charlie Kaufman!

The women from Desperate Housewives have been drinking. Quite considerably. They look as if they're going to jump Jamie Theakston at any moment.

Best Actor: Jamie Foxx

Johnny Depp is wearing a Gonzo fist tie-clip, which is pretty cool.

Best Director: Clint Eastwood. The Academy: making Marty cry. Every. Single. Time. Although he did laugh. I guess they want him to be like Kubrick…

Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby. Boo again.

So, the Curse of Marty strikes once more. Boo and hiss, even if The Aviator wasn't his best film.

Right, off to bed.