Today, then: a bootlegged copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special. Broadcast at Christmas on CBS in 1978, it has never been shown legally anywhere ever again. Only bootlegs exist, and George Lucas is on record as saying "if I had the time, I'd get a sledgehammer and destroy every copy in existence." This, then, is scary territory indeed.

We begin; the first unsettling thought - they didn't even splash out for the title scenes, instead having a cheap-looking "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" slapped on-screen.

"introducing chewbacca's family" with his son lumpy. HIS SON LUMPY.

It's a wookie situation comedy! Lumpy is carving an x-wing. I'm really hoping for subtitles. But no. It's the family life of a suburban wookiee family. And even wookiees aren't allowed to eat between meals. Please tell me it isn't an hour and a half of wookiee noises.

Aww, they miss Chewbacca.The little one is excited about something. They're playing things on the holographic table.and right about now, you realise just why this has been erased from the official history. THEY'RE WATCHING A HOLOGRPAHIC CIRCUS. While a synthesiser is horrendously abused in the background. NO KITTY IT'S MY POT PIE! Lumpy is Cartman, I've decided.

Ooh, is that the plot coming back? Oh god, it's Luke. Mark Hamill seems to be wearing a lot of make-up. "Come on, Marla, let me see a little smile!" It's a wookiee! How can you tell!?

We're now in a shop. It's like Clerks! For The Imperial Guard Who Has Everything. But the shopkeeper is a Rebel spy! With a sophisticated code of "It was made by hand. SOLO!" And now Imperial shaving techniques.

Oh dear, back to the wookiess again. Star Wars cookery? "Bantha Surprise?" The horror. And it's not being played for laughs, it really is a whole cooking segment. And the cook has three arms.Make that four.

Back to Han and Chewie for a bit of action, stolen from the original film.

The Empire has declared the Wookiee planet under martial law. Perhaps they saw the cooking segment. Now the wookiees are getting presents from the shopkeeper. Lumpy seems to have got an Atari 2600. And another has been strapped into what looks like an electric chair, but it's apparently some sort of virtual reality device. PEOPLE ARE SWIMMING THROUGH SPACE. A virtual woman is now sweet-talking the old wookiee. I'm sure this is against the law, and just plain ewww. And now she's singing. Complete with dodgy 1970s compositing effects to duplicate her across the screen. Really, mere words can't convey how creep and sick and wrong this scene is.

Now onto C3PO and Princess Leia. I'm sure Carrie Fisher's drunk. She almost tripped over when walking across the set. Amd I don't want to know what a wookie-ookie is.

Han and Chewbacca have landed on the Wookiee planet! But no! Stormtroopers have taken over Chewie's house! But they're pacifying the troops by letting them watch Jefferson Starship. One of whom seems to be singing into a lollypop. But the guard is digging it! I'm hoping for a Stormtrooper hoedown by the end. When it ends. Oh,sweet blessed relief will soon be upon us.

And now a cartoon? A rather odd cartoon, in which character models seem to be a rough guide, rather than something to be adhered to. Boba Fett! Who…doesn't act like any other incarnation of of Fett that we've seen before. Oh, it was a double-cross. And the animator didn't like Harrison Ford's face. Wait, was that supposed to be an ending?

Imperial dudes wrecking the wookiee's house! It's a heartbreaking moment; Lumpy's bantha toy has been broken in two by Empire forces. Those scumbags. And now he's watching an instruction video. A freaky instruction video; making a transmitter has never been quite so scary. Or long and drawn out.

Bea Arthur as a bartender! No, just no. And now she's singing. I am never going to get rid of the mental scarring.

SHOOT HIM! SHOOT THE WALKING FLUFFBALL! Han saves the day! Lots of hugs.Ford has this look of "PLEASE! SOMEBODY RESCUE ME FROM THIS TERROR!" But Han has now gone, so we're left with the wookiees. Oh please, no. wookiee on wookie action!

All the wookies are walking through space into a ball of light. And R2D2 and C3PO have turned up. With no explanation. Oh, and here comes everybody else. CARRIE FISHER HAS JUST BROKEN OUT INTO SONG. KILL US NOW. THEY'VE DISCOVERED WORDS TO THE STAR WARS THEME. This has gone beyond strange and into the stuff of nightmares.

I will say, though, that it makes The Phantom Menace look like The Godfather in comparison…