You Cruel, Heartless Bastards

Look at these people. Enjoying themselves, throwing away all that tea.

so cruel, so cruel

All I can hope is that it was Lipton. AND ONE DAY WE WILL COME FOR OUR BACK TAXES, COLONIALS.

Anyway, this might be my last week coming up to Boston, and it’s certainly my last visit of 2014, so I thought I would stay an extra day and get to wander around the city during the day-time (which I last did in February). 15 miles of walking later, my feet are regretting that decision. Still, I wandered around the tourist haunts that I last saw over a decade ago - Quincy Market, the Freedom Trail, various bits of MIT and Harvard, lots of different parts of the T (this time, I think I got a full set of colours!), along with a bizarre visit to Pret A Manger in downtown.

(it’s a bit pared-down from a UK Pret, and the Christmas Sandwich has suffered the twin heresy of being renamed the Holiday Lunch and having all the Proper British Stuffing replaced with American cornbread stuffing and turkey ‘gravy’. On the other hand, they do sell bacon mac ’n’ cheese)

Somewhere around mile 8 or 9, after wandering around an interesting five-level vintage market where the building shook constantly from the building outside (smashing several glass shelves as I was walking along!), my feet decided that they were not entirely happy with the day’s planned activities, especially seeing that I was still several miles away from where I was staying. Eventually, I made it back to the T, and had a quiet evening around Harvard Square and an Indian restaurant in Somerville.

Today, I’m back in Waltham, and for some reason, I’ve been given a suite! Not one, but two TVs! Couches, glass bricks dividing it into two rooms, and all sorts of fancy things. It’s a bit wasted on me this week, but hey, if anybody wants a party in Waltham, I appear to have a venue!

The Red Mark of Durham

A new experience on being a home owner; coming back to the house and finding this noticed stapled (yes, stapled) to the house:

This…was new. My favourite part of the notice is that it points to the part of city byelaws that you’re violating…but not exactly what you’ve done wrong. Plus, you have ten days to fix it after the sign is posted, but the letter that gets sent out that actually explains what’s wrong didn’t turn up for a week.

Thankfully, I was embarrassed enough that I phoned the City as soon as I found the notice, but couldn’t get through to the correct person until the next morning. Apparently, the bushes at the end of my garden were getting in the way of the recently-moved bus stop and were blocking the path. Now, I had idly planned to take a saw to various trees over Winter after the leaves were gone. But I had not ventured down to the back of the garden in a little while (I’ve been away, and hey, it’s not as if there’s anything useful down there); one brief look last Thursday made it clear that the City wasn’t really kidding; my bushes had grown wildly over the summer.

This is all a buried lede to: Ian does gardening for almost the first time ever. This involved going to Lowe’s and texting pictures of various items to people to make sure I was buying the correct thing (I almost bought a few oddities, so it was wise to check with people who had more of a clue than I did), and then getting up at the ungodly hour of 8am on a Saturday morning. It’s been a while since I did that on purpose.

I had some help, so it wasn’t just me lopping over big bits of tree. By the early afternoon, not only could I see the bus stop from the house’s windows, but I could also see into the next-door neighbour’s garden, which I don’t think was possible even when I bought the house last year. Success! Except for the piles of branches all over the garden. Anybody fancy a bonfire?

A bit of an embarrassing episode, but the pavement is now mostly clear, and no over-hanging bushes causing problems for people waiting for the bus, which is a good thing! I do really need to come up for a plan for what to do in the back garden; this year it has suffered from quite a bit of neglect, and I’d like to clear out all the spreading vines and pallets that I’ve inherited. It’ll give Bonnie room for her intended Huf Haus, obviously.

Begin The Quarter Quell!

I have now seen Catching Fire, despite not having seen or read the first book / film of The Hunger Games. All I can really take away from it is that I enjoyed macarons being used as a signifier of depravity, indifferent evil, and excess. That’s the moral the writers were trying to convey, I’m certain. There might have been some other bits with revolution and mockingjays, but trust me, it’s all about the macarons.

Today has not been a great day. Hopefully, November will get better.

The Monkey, Refined

Monkey-patching. It strikes fear into newcomers to Ruby, excitement and abandon in moderate Ruby developers, and sad, disgruntled sighs from the experienced developers who end up having to wade through a huge Rails codebase to find out where somebody decided to monkey-patch the mysql2 gem in a way that makes it incompatible with a Rails 4 upgrade (bonus points for hiding the patch in something like app/models/stats/nightly_stats_run/customer_roi.rb, obviously).

(bitter tears of experience here)

But hark! Ruby 2.1 is here, and may contain some salvation in the form of refinements. First, though, a refresher.

Patch that Monkey!

Monkey-patching in Ruby involves modifying code at run-time, either by extending and providing additional functionality or redefining existing code. And Ruby makes it so easy! Consider this little gem:

class String
  def all_is_love
    ‘❤’ * self.length

This extends String with the method :all_is_love, so:

pry(main)> 'hello'.all_is_love                                              
=> "❤❤❤❤❤”

This is how large chunks of the Rails helper methods (e.g. :camelize) are implemented. And this is fine…except due to the Magic of Ruby, you can do this pretty much anywhere in your code. And you can do this as well:

class String
  def length

pry(main)> 'hello’.length                                              
=> 2

Just to give you an idea of the systemic breakdown this can create, let’s go back to our earlier method:

pry(main)> 'hello'.all_is_love
Again, there are sometimes reasons why you have to monkey-patch and replace methods at runtime. Perhaps your database connection has some legacy weirdness that needs to be worked around and it isn’t covered by a standard gem (this is a code smell, obviously, but sometimes it has to be done). Being able to do this at-will in a large code-base, however, can easily lead to problems. Maybe you do your patch in an obscure area of the code, and a new developer writes a method that uses the _expected_ behaviour, and then spends a day or so trying to work out why her code isn’t working correctly. Or even worse, somebody decides to write another monkey-patch on the same method, meaning that the behaviour in production becomes a Fun Race Condition That Wakes You Up At 3am depending on which one is executed by Ruby first. The real answer is Don’t Monkey-Patch, and enforce it with hammers. But sometimes it’s not possible to avoid that monkey. Thankfully, Ruby 2 delivers a way of at least limiting the scope of patches with _Refinements_.

module WithAMonocle
  refine String do
    def all_is_love
      '❤' * self.length

Module#refine takes a class and a block, and in that block, you can extend or redefine to your heart’s content. But:

pry(main)> 'hello’.all_is_love                                             
NoMethodError: undefined method `all_is_love’ 
for "hello":String

Refinements need to be specifically activated with the using keyword:

using WithAMonocle
puts ‘hello’.all_is_love
=> "❤❤❤❤❤”

Okay, so far, much the same as normal monkey-patching. But the magic is that the patch only exists in that scope. So if we embed them in a Class, the refinement only exists within that class. For example:

class SplendidMonkey
  using WithAMonocle
  puts 'fff’.all_is_love

=> nil

class UncouthMonkey
  puts 'fff’.all_is_love

=> NoMethodError: undefined method `all_is_love’ 
for "fff":String

The monkey-patch is restricted to the class where it is activated. As you can imagine, this is all sorts of useful - not only do you not pollute the global scope with your redefinitions or extensions, but you also make it explicit that you’re using that particular patch (and also providing a giant big clue where the patch is defined).

So, still, don’t go crazy with your monkey-patching, but, if you have to use them (and you’re running on a current Ruby 2.1.x version), consider using refinements as a way to limit their problematic features…

(however, do be aware that there are a few odd things that may bite you if you’re not paying attention. In particular:

module WithAShortMonocle
  refine String do
    def all_is_love
      '❤' * HEART_LENGTH

Constants and class variables within a refinement belong to the module, not the class being refined:

pry(main)> String::HEART_LENGTH
NameError: uninitialized constant 
pry(main)> WithAShortMonocle::HEART_LENGTH
=> 1

So be aware of that when adding your refinements)

This week I seem to have spent a lot of time ill, and a lot of time in Raleigh. Good to see the Reverbnation team again during All Things Open, though it would have been better if I hadn’t been feeling quite so ill.

In other discoveries this week: pickling red onions in orange and lime juice is actually quite tasty…

allo darlin’ - the chocolate box

Some of you may remember that I once sent Los Campesinos! an anonymous box of sweets and chocolates. Thankfully, they never filed for a restraining order. So when I discovered that Allo Darlin’ were coming back to Chapel Hill on their tour for We Come From The Same Place, it was suggested by a friend that I do something similar, except this time, email them ahead of time so it doesn’t seem quite so creepy.

Remember, it was all Tammy’s fault. Nothing to do with me.

Tammy did indeed said the email, and the response was pretty positive, even going as far to ask one of their friends what chocolates we should make, who came back with the idea of:

a soft sea-salt caramel encased in milk chocolate, then covered in dark chocolate, with an extra dusting of sea-salt on top

I think I read that email three times and then bashed my head on the table. Then I composed myself. After all, it only involved tempering two different types of chocolate, casting them one after the other in a mold, making sure not to melt the already-cast chocolate, then piping in a soft-set caramel that has to cool down from 117˚C to 30˚C so as not to melt the milk chocolate and hope that it’s still pipe-able at that temperature…and then…

muffled cries and groans

Obviously, given that start, I did the only thing a sane person would: I decided that I needed to make a 4-piece set, which meant I needed to come up with three other chocolates. Naturally.

It did give me a chance to break in the new chocolate room, though.


From the board, I had my four chocolates, which we matched to Allo Darlin’ lyrics (it seemed appropriate):

  • Heartbeat Chilli — a dark chocolate ganache with infused spices to try and replicate Locopops’ Mexican Chocolate locopop (turns out a hint of lime really helps). Cast in a fancy heart mold.


  • Capricornia — goat cheese ganache (Capricorn, see, get it? Get it? GET IT? Ahahaha!). Some people think this is a bit odd, but there’s plenty of lemon and it ends up tasting like cheesecake. Cast in my fancy hemisphere molds.

chocolates in a half-shell!

  • Allo Darlin’ — it seemed appropriate to name the dark / milk / caramel creation after the band. These ended up just being time-consuming than too difficult, though there was a moment when I was about to turn the mold upside-down to empty out the milk chocolate internal layer when I suddenly realized that the dark chocolate had probably pulled away during tempering…which meant I was about to drop 40 dark chocolate shells into the temperer and then shout a lot. Thankfully, I managed to catch myself before I ruined a lot of chocolate. Then I painted the tops with 83% Valrhona, so there was actually three different types of chocolate in the result.

And, yes, as it turned out, the band’s friend was really onto something with the double-hull. The mixture of the different chocolates, the salt and the caramel was pretty delicious.

Piping in the caramel

  • The Shattered Dreams of England — most pretentious name for a chocolate, ever! I was all proud of myself for coming up with this one: a mandarin pâte de fruit in the top with aerated (aero) chocolate filling up the rest of the mold. I remained proud right up until I was idly browsing through my copy of The Fat Duck Cookbook and found exactly the same thing staring back at me. Oops. Anyway, it tasted like a very fancy Jaffa Cake.

Putting the pâte de fruit in the mold

Spraying aero chocolate everywhere

The chocolate box

The weekend thus lost to chocolate, all that remained was to go to Chapel Hill and hand-deliver the chocolates to a rather excited band. At this point, I would link to a photo of handing them over to the happy band…but I completely forgot to take any pictures. However, they did take some of the chocolates:


Incredible. Handmade chocolate delivery for us in Chapel Hill, NC!

View on Instagram

The slight downside of arriving at a concert two hours before the doors opening is that you desperately try to not come off as a crazy stalker…which gets harder when you keep bumping into band members as you’re walking around Franklin Street. It wasn’t done on purpose, honest! (but they were all friendly and amazing).

And it all ended up with an amazing concert — it was lovely to hear Tallulah live for the first time, and the new album has been playing here in Durham all week…

…but I still can’t look at chocolate yet. Maybe next week.

The Week Looms Ahead

Internet, I do hope you’ll forgive me, or at least reproach me too much for the detail that I’ve been in my pyjamas since 18:30. A day of travelling, or at least a day of last-minute scurrying trying to leave the house in a decent state before getting to the airport and then sitting down a lot. It’s more tiring than you’d think. Honest.

And so back at the centre of bustling activity that is Winter Street in Waltham. There may have been some birds flying overhead at one point. And they’ve now completely torn down the American Brutalist buildings across the road. Heathens.

It will be another quiet week, I imagine, though things will ramp up at the weekend with a couple of days of intense chocolate making, including one chocolate that I’m calling ‘The Shattered Dreams of England’. Yes.

(incidentally, that is a big clue as to what the occasion the chocolates are for, but there’s about three potential people reading that might get the reference)

Right, another week of developing in the office awaits. Meanwhile, I’m going to spend the evenings watching Dennis Potter films. I know how to put on a good time, you see.

Chocolate Room 2.0

Do I get to call myself an adult now? Carpet ripped from the floorboards, new flooring cut to fit and placed, holes patched in the wall, chalkboard paint applied, and a new layout for what hopefully will be some amazing chocolate adventures. With a special set being made for Tammy, as it would never have happened without her dropping by…

Stripping carpet

so much carpet and tile…

Adding the underlay insulation

New floor!

More space, more chocolates!

The State of the Union is...Together. For The Moment

I feel like I should write something longer about Thursday at some point, but for now, I’m just glad the country I grew up in still exists…although it’s somewhat selfish to feel that whilst looking at the glum faces of those in Dundee and Glasgow having campaigned so hard for the past few years.

Or I could talk about my super-secret chocolate project in October. But it’s a secret. Hence the super-secret bit. More on that to come! Maybe. Oooh, and that’s a thought…

(oh yes, the suspense. Just get on with it – Ed.)

Oh! I have a super new shiny object! It makes my life 105% better, apparently. Still getting used to the larger size. My thumb doesn’t reach across any more! How do you Android users live with this?

Things I Learnt This Week

Turns out that while I may sometimes forget my accent exists, other people are very much aware of it. And you’d think it would be more common in a place like Boston!

(this encounter left me blushing furiously, but it was a nice, if awkward way to start a conference!)

Meanwhile, back here in Durham, the house has shiny new roof, new chocolate books are on their way, and the weather outside hasn’t been completely horrible today!

Now, all I need to do is bend CoreOS to my whim…