Link Rocket!

I want, nay, I demand, a Bollywood remake of Knight Rider!

Do you get excited by barcodes?

Kitty Watch The Stars!

Who do I have to kill to get some of these?

It’s Google For Cocktails!

currently playing: Kraftwerk – Computer World

Go! Team!

The Go! Team, then. Enjoyable fun for all the family. And if Bottle Rocket isn’t a summer hit, then I’m going to sit in the corner and sulk…

We're The Young Ones

I know you’ve been wanting it — a song where Cliff Richard does his spin on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I give you — What Car? (available from all good newsagents, ahahahaha):

My daddy had a 68 Camero When I was sixteen he went out of town There were car keys sitting on the bureau Screaming out come take a drive around From here to Linda’s all the lights were yellow Even though she said we were through When she saw me in that red Camero All she said was let’s see what she’ll do What car, what girl, what tree, what curb What are you talking about I never left the house What keys, what crash, how dare you ask The car is gone – move on (Daddy you’d better move on)

Monday morning he was in the kitchen Asking if I had a tale to tell A certain red collectible was missing Sorry daddy that doesn’t ring a bell I was running late but I agreed to join him At the scene of the alleged theft But there’s an emptiness you can’t ignore Where the stain of oil is all that you have left

Even if they found the wreckage Even if they haul me in I’m sticking to the same old story Again and again and again and again

And for those of you desperate to hear it (think Shania Twain. shudder), the Internet comes to your rescue…

currently playing: Johnny Boy – You Are The Generation That Bought More Shoes And You Get What You Deserve

Public Announcement

Previously, the Best Image Ever was this:

Out with the old

However, the new Best Image Ever is now this:

In with the new

This is the Voice of Fate. Thank you for your time…

currently playing: Saint Etienne – Filthy


So, another first. Today, I sat in the dressing room of a concert venue, drunk some of a rider, and asked a band some questions. The Go! Team - a lovely bunch of people who were very nice to a newbie and were amused when I admitted that half of my questions were cribbed from old copies of Smash Hits…

currently playing: The Go! Team — Ladyflash

I said maybe!

Firstly, apropos of nothing, an article on Oasis by Paul Morley. I can’t say that I agree with all of it, but it’s amusing in places.

So, exit polls are suggesting that the Tories are going to do better than expecting, getting 209 seats in the new Parliament. Which should keep Howard in a job. Boo.

Dr. Liam Fox! Most punchable member of Parliament! Natalie Imbruglia? Good grief!

Despite everything, I still can't stand the sight of gleeful Tories…grrr…

A point where I get to wear my political hat once more - will this bring the West Lothian Question back into play?

Peter Snow has his toys out! He's playing Command & Conquer with Parilament. AWESOME.

Hmm. A couple of fairly safe Labour seats look to be wobbly. Dartford and one in Birmingham. GO SUNDERLAND! FASTEST COUNTERS IN THE WEST!

And the first result isssss…Sunderland South…Labour win with 17,982…which supposedly means that the exit polls are in fact too high…

Never let it be said that the BBC do dumb things with their money - they're painting a huge election picture in Gateshead! Eschewing all that CGI nonsense…they're going to paint a map. GENIUS.

Aww, it's Lizo from Newsround! He's all grown up!

Special attention must be lavished on Peter Snow's orange shirt. Simply wonderful!

BBC Election Party! Shoot Jon Culshaw. Please. Jeremy Paxman still with the withering sarcastic putdown.

Tap-tap-tap. Boring bit of election night, waiting for things to actually happen…but Ian Hislop is always entertaining.

Meanwhile, the Scottish correspondent is telling us that she knows very little. But is stretching it. A lot. And now it's the turn of the Welsh…

Sunderland North! Labour with 15,719. Change of 5% to Con. Eeek. 7% is into Hung Parliament areas…

7th safest Labour seat coming up - Houghton & Washington East. Again Labour vote falls, but still hold. Does it strike anybody as weird that Tony Blair might tonight become the most successful Labour leader ever, and yet still be branded as a failure?

Aww, Boris. So amusing. Amazingly, he manages to concede defeat in his first few sentences! And there's going to be a fight there if they're not careful!

Now looking at the Liberal Democrats' 'Decapitation Strategy'. It would be so funny if they managed to pull off some of these strikes (including David Davis, Oliver Letwin, and even Michael Howard himself).

Another Labour Hold, this time in Scotland. Swing of 4% to Lib Dem. The Lib Dems are looking to be doing quite well indeed…

"Steady on! It's Ken Clarke!"

Ooh, Kilroy-Silk will hopefully be smacked down hard…

Did David Dimbleby just say "ding-dong"?


And I'm going to be very annoyed at Galloway's victory. Yes, let's vote in a guy who visited Saddam Hussein, praised him, and flattered him. Piece of worthless scum…

Barnsley: Lab hold - swing of 4% to Conservative…Hull West & Hessle another Labour hold, 5% swing to Lib Dem. Although I don't think the swing really counts until we get into marginal seats really, and everything is a little topsy-turvy at the moment

Conservatives win Putney - gain from Labour. Swing of 6%. Uh oh.

Labour is going to get a big kicking…

Brown gets in, "we will listen and learn" And Jack Straw is back too...

Um, what if Tony Blair's threat about the Lib Dems was…actually right? Although they seem to be having a few problems.

The theme for tonight: NOBODY HAS A CLUE.

David Dimbleby has been on the rum. I think the election coverage would be much improved if all the pundits were drinking along with the results…another Lib Dem gain from Labour.

Peter Snow is going out on a limb! LD 59, C 201, L 357. Labour majority of 68. More Labour seats fall to the Lib Dems.

The first of the main LD strikes against the Tory leadership fails as Teresa May is re-elected.

Leader of BNP got 9% of vote…Labour's 5th safest seat falls to an independent. Nye Bevin's old seat, no less.

Perhaps it's the old Thatcher heartlands returning home. Seats are coming in thick and fast, but it's looking likely for a Labour majority slashed in half. Which is probably a good thing.

Sedgefield: Mr. Tony Blair, rather downcast, is re-elected. The Tories continue to pick off London seats…Blair looks old, tired, and grey. The greatest Labour leader in history. Battered and broken. The Lib Dems are overturning quite large Labour majorities, but aren't having any real success against the Tories. For instance - Manchester Withington - the Dems overturned a 33% Labour majority!

Iain Duncan-Smith: "We've made a start on returning" - nice one, maybe you'll be back in power in 2020. Plus a fantastic endorsement of Michael Howard - "I don't mind who's leader"

Looks like Galloway has won. *shoots self* Yes: THIS MAN:

is going to be a Member of Parliament. GRR.

Lib Dems strike out again - David Davis is re-elected. Stephen Twigg loses the old Portillo seat back to the Tories.

Labour needs 71 seats for a majority right now. The South-East is turning Blue again. However, it looks like the Tories are still not welcome in Scotland. And we're only blessed with one member of the Johnson family in Parliament, thank goodness, as Boris's dad fails in his election bid.

A 49% swing in Blaenau Gwent…wow. Don't annoy the Welsh.

So, does this mean that the Labour rebels are now rubbing their hands together? They're now strong enough to defeat the Government over ID Cards and Terrorism laws.

Charles Kennedy is back, baby! Letwin holds Dorset. Yes, Oliver, because the Government is going to have a majority of roughly 70, and has to worry about its own, rather than you lot across the floor. That's a stunning victory for the Tories.

Oh, is that a Scottish seat for the Tories? 25 seats to go.

Oooh, Erewash is about to declare. The Church of Militant Elvis Party! AWESOME! Robert Kilroy-Silk - 2,957 votes. Only just saving his deposit. Faith in Britain is partially restored. May he now disappear down a sewer…

Right, it looks like Folkestone is about to declare for Michael Howard, so it looks like he'll be staying. And I'll be going to bed, 14 short of a Labour majority, but another Labour Government guaranteed…

currently playing: Election 2005

Last Train To Transcentral

I will probably do live blogging of tomorrow’s results, because I don’t have to get up early on Friday, and I’m also very sad. No alcohol for this election!

Just a thought — will this be one of the first elections in memory where people are voting for the party in spite of the Prime Minister? I mean, half the country made have hated Thatcher and are eagerly building dancefloors, I can’t imagine many of her detractors voting for her in 1987…

currently playing: Stars – what i’m trying to say

Election Special Super Edition!

One of the reasons why I haven’t been writing so much about the UK General Election is that I can’t seem to get a handle on it (those of you at the back who point out that I didn’t have much of one on the US election and it didn’t seem to stop me — hohoho. The men with blunt metal poles will meet you out back). I can’t help but feel that Labour are going to win, again. And I want them to. I want the Thatcherism-with-a-Dalek-face-controlled-by-John-Howard-as-Davros version of the Conservative Party stopped in its tracks. On the other hand, I want Labour humbled, so that they have to listen to their backbenchers for once. And, seeing as how the Lib Dems are still not in a position to be the Opposition, it leaves me conflicted.

Anyway, the story today is how the national polls are overshadowing the key marginal races. Across the country, Labour is slaughtering all-comers, but in the hotly-contested seats, things are much closer. The Guardian is reporting that the Labour majority may be slashed to double figures on May 5th, and that all sides will probably face losses in marginal seats. Michael Howard is looking reasonably secure, leading the Lib Dem challenger by 45% to 38% (but how funny would that be?), as is David Davis. There probably won’t be too many surprises on the night, it seems.

So what can we expect from Thursday? Don’t ask me! You know my track record! (Labour win, majority down to 60. Or thereabouts. ID cards to be handed out the next day…)

currently playing: Kenickie — Come Out 2Nite

It's Like Buses

You spend so long without British sci-fi being around, then it all comes at once! This weekend saw the transmission of the most-anticipated episode of Doctor Who so far, Dalek, and the release of the film version of Douglas Adams’ The  Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. Madness! Insanity! The Conservative Manifesto! (ahahaha. Ha. Dies)

Dalek was mostly awesome. A few clunky lines, but worth it to see the Doctor completely losing his head over the Last Enemy. "YOU-WOULD-MAKE-A-GOOD-DALEK!" and "I-AM-ALONE!" Choice Dalek dialogue! Okay, so yes, The Power of Love saved the day, but still, a great episode, and I'm loving the Damaged Doctor approach this series is taking…

The Guide is surprising both very faithful to the source material and completely contradictory, a rather Adams-like quality. Many of the jokes from the book are transferred straight to the screen, although some ended up being a little mangled in the translation. In an attempt to give the story a plot, there's a dodgy kidnap-and-rescue plot inserted with the subtlety of a Vogon invasion fleet, but it does give rise to the swat jokes, which are probably one of the best visual gags of the film. Oh, and Love Conquers All again — it's definitely not as cynical as the books.

The Guide itself is underused. Stephen Fry's voiceovers, coupled with Flash-like animations for the Guide entries are easily the highlight of the film, even if they haven't changed very much from the book/radio versions. There's something wrong with the rest of the cast, though. Martin Freeman's Arthur Dent is inconsistent and bland, Bill Nighy puts on a Bill Nighy performance, that, with the addition of a few bad jokes, appears to be identical to the one in Love, Actually, and I'm still trying to work out why John Malkovich is even in the film. Mos Def mumbles quite a bit, but him, Alan Rickman, and Zooey Deschanel (Almost Famous! that's where she's from!) give the best performances in a very messy film that ambles around aimlessly. Like the book, it has little plot, but unfortunately, it doesn't quite have the charm and playfulness of Adams' earlier version.

Oh, except for one scene involving the Infinite Improbability Drive…

currently playing: New Order – All the way



currently playing: Amerie — One Thing