As Much As I Despise The Man

British Parliamentary System 1 US Senate 0 (Away win, in case you’re doing the pools)

currently playing: The Art of Noise – Moments In Love

The Loneliest Dalek

INT: A School classroom. It’s the beginning of a new day; all the children are sitting patiently at their tables, as the teacher, Miss Keene, walks in.

MISS KEENE: Good morning children!

CHILDREN: Good morning, Miss Keene!

MISS KEENE: Now, children, we have a new member of class joining us today. (to the door) Come in!

(A pepperpot-shaped object trundles in)

MISS KEENE: Class, this is Derek. Say hello to Derek, class.

CHILDREN: Hello, Derek!

DEREK: HELLO-EARTH-CHILDREN! YOU-WILL-BE—

MISS KEENE: Hush, Derek. We have to get on with class.

DEREK: YES-MISS. I-WILL-OBEY.

(Miss Keene looks around the class, spying an empty seat)

MISS KEENE: Ah, Derek, why don’t you sit next to Tom over there?

DEREK: I-OBEY!

(Derek trundles over to Tom’s desk, crushing the empty chair)

MISS KEENE: Now class, let us continue with algebra. Who can remember what x is in 2x + 5 = 11?

(Derek sticks his plunger up)

DEREK: I-KNOW! I-KNOW I-HAVE-THE-ANSWER! IT-IS-THREE-MISS-KEENE!

MISS KEENE: Very good, Derek.

(Derek’s eyebulb glows)

MISS KEENE: Okay. Now Beth, could you solve this problem for me….(voice trails off)

(Tom pokes Derek)

DEREK: OW!

(Miss Keene looks around)

MISS KEENE: Derek?

Derek: TOM-POKED-ME-MISS-KEENE!

MISS KEENE: Tom?

TOM: Did not, Miss!

MISS KEENE: Derek, don’t tell lies. (turns back to Beth)

(Derek glares at Tom, flashing his lights. Tom pokes him again)

DEREK: MISS-KEENE! HE-POKED-ME-AGAIN! HE-MUST-BE-EXTERMINATED!

MISS KEENE: I won’t have that kind of talk in my classroom! Go stand outside, Derek!

(Derek trundles out, eyestalk lowered)

CUT TO:

EXT. The school playground. Tom is holding a football, with a boy called Billy next to him. They’re standing in front of a wall, picking out other boys from a line.

TOM: Okay Billy, I’ll have Peter, Richard, and Leo.

BILLY: Jack, George, and Liam? You’re with me.

(The boys file over to the appropriate side. Derek’s head revolves from side to side, realising that he’s the last one against the wall)

DEREK: WILL-NO-ONE-PICK-ME?

(Tom and Billy exchange a look)

TOM AND BILLY: WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE?!!?!

(Derek trundles off, eyestalk lowered, to the tune of The Littlest Hobo in the background)

This is just the sort of event that the BBFC is protecting us from. Remember kids, it’s not nice to be cruel to Daleks!

currently playing: Saint Etienne – Stars Above Us

Let Us Take A Moment

To mourn the passing of btefnet: For over two years, the Internet’s quality venue for TV copyright infringement. For all those episodes of Buffy, 24, The Daily Show, and countless others, we salute you, btefnet. Remember, when we buy DVD box sets and watch programme that aren’t even transmitted here, we’re actually setting fire to the studios’ puppies. Or something.

currently playing: Sunday Runners – Info Your Head

TV-tastic!

I will fight anybody who thinks The Fast Show was lazy comedy. Anybody who includes a Ken Morse joke that is on screen for less than five seconds had to be paying some attention to what they were writing…

Anyway, thoughts on some TV shows! (yes, exciting, I know. If you’re American, most of this will make no sense. If you’re British, then you’ll just be bored. Hey, there’s a Cliff Richard track on here if you get really desperate)

  • Doctor Who

    Okay, we’re now over half-way through this series, so I’m now seeing some of the flaws. I’m still enjoying it, but a few things are starting to annoy me just a little. Firstly, I think the lack of cliffhangers hurts the series more than I originally imagined. There’s no room in the single episodes - they either concentrate on the plot and have the characters run through the required machinations, or they’re heavy characterisation pieces with a wafer-thin story. Secondly, the Doctor doesn’t really do very much, does he? In every episode bar one, the day has been saved by somebody else, perhaps with his cajoling, but in a passive role. I’d prefer a much more active Doctor. And finally, for all the talk of the Rose/Doctor Companion relationship being the most sophisticated portrayal yet, every time it comes up in the script, it’s handled embarrassingly badly (Russell Davies is actually the worst for this, although none of the writers have handled it all that well).

  • Dead Like Me

    I do want to like this series. And I do, a little. But the relentless death and misery gets to you after a while. Yes, it’s about a group of Grim Reapers, so I should expect death to come up a little, and it is really funny in places. But the sun is shining and I want something with a little more joy.

  • FAQ-U

    Haha. Just kidding. I saw the adverts, and realised that it was a delicious attempt to make The 11o’clock Show seem like a work of staggering genius. Does anybody else remember the real Channel 4? That was quite good from time to time?

  • Smallville

    No longer watching! Hurrah! No longer do I despair at the horrible writing, the idiotic plotting, the COMPLETELY INSANE IDEA OF HAVING LOIS LANE MEETING KENT BEFORE HE BECOMES A JOURNALIST, and, if I EVER, EVER see a piece of red kryptonite again, it will be too song (sue me, I’m something of a Superman fanboy. Catch my rant about how Tarantino is COMPLETELY wrong in Kill Bill, and you’ll hear my use of capital letters).

  • The Wire

    Sadly finished now (at least in the UK), but quite possibly the 2nd best police procedural TV series I’ve ever seen. I’m sure Baltimore is a nice place really…

  • Law & Order

    I’ve talked about this before, but it’s still brilliant, despite clinging to the formula like something brown and sticky (unlike many, I have never grown out of the stick joke. I apologise). Jack McCoy is a total monster, a D.A. that will bend (and break) all the rules to send somebody to prison. And if he can’t get the right verdict, he’ll either force a mistrial, or find some arcane bit of law that manages to get the last laugh. The show is a little let down at the moment by Elizabeth Röhm, who has less emotion and stage-presence than a Cyberman, but it’s good fun nonetheless.

  • House

    This is vicodin. It’s mine and you can’t have any.

    Hugh Laurie as an American doctor who hates patients and is smarter than everybody else in the room. And he knows it. Again, there’s a rigid formula in this show (patient comes in with disease, staff try different treatments to cure him or her, getting it wrong, but then finding the right one by the 35-minute mark), but Laurie makes every minute worth watching; snarling, bitterly sarcastic, and hobbling through the hospital, trying to find a big enough TV to watch General Hospital on.

Yes, so I watch too much TV.

currently playing: Saint Etienne – Teenage Winter

Further Apologies

This is probably going to be a slight week for posting, I’m afraid.

Two things:

  • Why isn’t there a book on Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Given some of the extraordinary tales of their early days (stealing their own master tapes, for example), writing a song that is legally required to be played at all weddings (see the Pop Act 1985, Part 1 Para 82), and Kevin Rowland playing Reading in a dress, you’d think there was a surfeit of material to write about. Someone get onto it!
  • Has it really been ten years since Catsuit City?

currently playing: Kenickie — Come Out 2Nite

In Lieu of An Actual Point

Pop.

currently playing: Self Against City – Let You Go

Link Rocket!

I want, nay, I demand, a Bollywood remake of Knight Rider!

Do you get excited by barcodes?

Kitty Watch The Stars!

Who do I have to kill to get some of these?

It’s Google For Cocktails!

currently playing: Kraftwerk – Computer World

Go! Team!

The Go! Team, then. Enjoyable fun for all the family. And if Bottle Rocket isn’t a summer hit, then I’m going to sit in the corner and sulk…

We're The Young Ones

I know you’ve been wanting it — a song where Cliff Richard does his spin on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I give you — What Car? (available from all good newsagents, ahahahaha):

My daddy had a 68 Camero When I was sixteen he went out of town There were car keys sitting on the bureau Screaming out come take a drive around From here to Linda’s all the lights were yellow Even though she said we were through When she saw me in that red Camero All she said was let’s see what she’ll do What car, what girl, what tree, what curb What are you talking about I never left the house What keys, what crash, how dare you ask The car is gone – move on (Daddy you’d better move on)

Monday morning he was in the kitchen Asking if I had a tale to tell A certain red collectible was missing Sorry daddy that doesn’t ring a bell I was running late but I agreed to join him At the scene of the alleged theft But there’s an emptiness you can’t ignore Where the stain of oil is all that you have left

Even if they found the wreckage Even if they haul me in I’m sticking to the same old story Again and again and again and again

And for those of you desperate to hear it (think Shania Twain. shudder), the Internet comes to your rescue…

currently playing: Johnny Boy – You Are The Generation That Bought More Shoes And You Get What You Deserve

Public Announcement

Previously, the Best Image Ever was this:

Out with the old

However, the new Best Image Ever is now this:

In with the new

This is the Voice of Fate. Thank you for your time…

currently playing: Saint Etienne – Filthy