Joan Rivers is a very scary person.
Just remembered the best part of watching the Oscars from the UK: when America goes to a break, it cuts back to the British studio and everybody makes scathing comments, in a nice British way…
No, I'm convinced that Joan Rivers is part cyborg, and spends every night in a hermetically sealed Tupperware box.
It's over an hour before the awards start. Maybe I've peaked too early.
Forty minutes to go! And Robin Williams has been doing a test of the five-second delay…
The BBC presenter and Joan Rivers are about to have a fist-fight over who gets to interview Nicole Kidman. And she doesn't seem to want to talk to either of them. Oh the fun.
Okay, having second thoughts about the BBC links now. I hope they swap out the guests like they did two years go, or this is going to get annoying very quickly.
And I forgot that they tack on another half-hour of red-carpet footage before they start. Silly me.
Here we go!
Billy! Billy! Billy!
I had forgotten about the singing…
Oh, it's been so long…and we got proof that Michael Moore has a sense of humour at least 8-)
And Best Supporting Actor is Tim Robbins. Annnnnd an advert break.
Art Direction: Lord of The Rings notches up its first award of the night. Bonnie is happy that it beat M&C.
Okay, it's puerile, but I find Robin William's five-second delay very amusing…Finding Nemo wins best animated feature film. And a sweet acceptance speech.
Best Costume! LOTR again. There are giggles coming from the other side of the room. Tonight's speech theme is childhood confessions, it seems.
Best supporting actress: Renée Zellweger, as expected,
Why does Alistair MacGowan hate Johnny Depp so much?
Ben and Owen! Best Film Short: Two Soliders. Best Animated Short:Harvey Krumpet, thus avoiding the potentially fun sight of Roy Disney being given a podium on ABC to slate Disney. Oh well.
Liv Tyler goes emo!
Sting is playing some strange wooden instrument that looks like a cross between a jack-in-the-box and a violin. And even he looks bored, which is saying something…
Are we getting all the songs out of the way now? Seems a little early…Oh okay, just three.
The BBC links are poor. Where's Alan Cumming when you need him?
Best Special Effects: LOTR again. Going very well so far. (BIlly Crystal's mind-reading gag wasn't as funny as last time, unfortunately)
Look! It's the awards with all the techies! Who aren't invited to join the beautiful people 8-).
There's no getting around it. Jim Carrey looks like a Vulcan. Blake Edwards showreel for the Lifetime achievement Oscar, which means we should have a clip of Breakfast At Tiffany's right about…now. Funny wheelchair antics ensue.
Bill Murray is funny just leaning.
Best Make-up: LOTR yet again!
Sound Editing: Master & Commander
(John Travolta and Sandra Bullock - it is to cringe)
I must get around to watching Bringing Uo Baby…
Why Oprah? Isn't half the cast of Mystic River sitting in the front rows?
John! Cusack! Best documentary (short): Chernobyl Heart. Best documentary (long): The Fog of War.
Two years in a row for anti-war statements in documentary acceptance speeches. Ho ho.
And now for some scenes from To Kill A Mockingbird. I never knew Peck was a producer as well.
Sting! Phil Collins! On stage togther! One well placed rocket! Think of what we could achieve!
Best Score: LOTR.
Best Editing: LOTR.
Annnnd...back to the songs…although it's from A Mighty Wind, so it'll be funny.
This second selection of songs is more exciting than the first - Belleville Rendez-vous features a man on hoover.
Okay, more musical fun from Jack Black and Will Ferell, livening things up somewhat…Best original song: LOTR. Looking more and more like a clean sweep, but the big awards are just around the corner.
Best Foreign Language film: The Barbarian Invasions. From the far-off land of Canada.
Best Cinematography: Master and Commander
The Coppolas are coming! The Coppolas are coming!
Best Adapted Screenplay: LOTR! That's a surprise. And I may have to scrape Bonnie from the ceiling…
Best Screenplay: Sofia Coppola
Actually, has a film with >8 nominations ever won all the categories it was up for?
Best director: Peter Jackson. And there's bouncing. Lots of bouncing.
Best actress:Charlize Theron. Blah. This is a little boring; everybody predicted to win has. Only two more awards to go…
There hasn't been any overlong dance routines celebrating cinema this year, which I suppose we should be grateful for.
Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp! Go Go Go! Or Bill Murray!
Best Actor: Sean Penn. Grr. Bonnie: "He's married to Princess Buttercup? That's so cool!"
Best Film: LOTR. There is dancing. And they're all going up to the stage. So it equals Titanic and Ben-Hur. And everybody's crying.
Right, I'm off to bed. It'll be dawn soon…